Kids Are Quick! Must Read

Kids Are Quick
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TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:         Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered   America ?
CLASS:         Maria.
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TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:           You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:         K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'                                            
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:         Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
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TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:           Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE:           I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie....... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:        All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    
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TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:          Because George still had the axe in his hand.    
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TEACHER:   Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:        No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER:     Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE:       No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:   A teacher
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My Kind of Doctor ;)

Funny! 

 

 I  love this Doctor!  You will too!  It's written in Chinese English.

  
Q:  Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise  can prolong life.  Is this true?   
A: Your heart only  good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.   Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart  not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of  car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take  nap.  

Q:  Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?   
A: You must grasp  logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and  corn.   And what are these?    Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than  efficient mechanism of delivering  vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat  chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green  leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of  recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream  even better everything Cow eats in one package!  

Q:  Should I reduce my alcohol intake?  
A:   No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy  is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit  so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also  made of grain. All people who don't drink are unhappy.  Happy  people live longer so drink more. Bottoms up!  

Q:  How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?   
A: Well, if you  have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If  you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.  

Q:  What  are some of  the advantages of participating  in a regular exercise program?  
A: Can't think of  single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than  lying on couch. My philosophy is: No  pain...good!

 

Q:   Aren't fried foods bad for you?  
A:   YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in  vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How  could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?    

Q:   Will   sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft  around the middle?  
A:  Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.   You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger  stomach.  

Q:   What about food additives?  
A: You want to  complain about something for free? If it added it must be  better like fuel additive!

  
Q:   Is chocolate bad for me?   
A:  Are you  crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another  vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!  

Q:   Is swimming good for your figure?     
A:  If  swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..  

Q:   Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?    
A:  Hey!   'Round' a shape!  

Well, I hope this has  cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and  diets.

And  remember:
   
Life  should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of  arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but  rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -  chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,   totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a   ride!!"
 
   
  
AND.....

For   those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.   

1. The Japanese eat very little  fat
      and suffer fewer heart  attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of  fat
      and suffer fewer heart  attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very  little red wine
      and suffer fewer heart  attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians  drink a lot of red wine
      and suffer fewer heart  attacks than Americans.  

5. The Germans drink a  lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats   
      and suffer fewer heart attacks  than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat  and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!!

A Hilarious Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and continuing it in 2009 also.......

Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* Forwarded hundreds of mails but still waiting for FREE DESKTOP, LAPTOP, CAMERA, CELLPHONE etc…..

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer...
 

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo...

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a Can for fear that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.... (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle's property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy.
 

* I have forwarded 35 emails to 400 people hoping that Ericsson or Nokia will send me latest mobile phones but those models are also obsolete now.
 

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh , Tirupathi Balaji pics etc. Now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone else)

NOW IMPORTANT NOTE :

If you do not send this e-mail to at least 11,246 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will Pee on your head today at 6:30pm.

Nothing has happened till now......... ......... ..... but who knows. So please forward

 

Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year

A very cool message....a bit lengthy though....but don't miss to read the reply of God at the end.....!!

 

 

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
 
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
 
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
 
I want her to know what I go through.
 
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
 
Amen!'
 
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
 
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
 
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
 
Awakened the kids,
 
Set out their school clothes,
 
Fed them breakfast,
 
Packed their lunches,
 
Drove them to school,
 
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
 
Took it to the cleaners
 
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
 
Went grocery shopping,
 
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
 
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
 
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
 
Then, it was already 01P.M.
 
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
 
Dust,
 
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
 
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
 
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
 
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
 
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
 
After supper,
 
He cleaned the kitchen,
 
Ran the dishwasher,
 
Folded laundry,
 
Bathed the kids,
 
And put them to bed.
 
At 09 P.M .
 
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
 
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
 
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
 
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
 
Amen!'
 
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
 
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
 
You got pregnant last night.'
 
This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!
 
If you agree, send it to all your friends who would enjoy this!!!!